Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
