There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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