We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
