Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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