I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
