Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
