woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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