just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
