worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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