Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's official drugs can't kill me
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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