My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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