I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
