I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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