Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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