sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
