Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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