The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
