He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
