Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
