My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
