Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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