she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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