My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i out mim tonsoeep
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