So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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