Plan B is the new Plan A
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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