Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
