All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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