the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
