ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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