I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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