What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
