Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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