cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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