in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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