Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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