You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
