Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
