i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
