eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
