At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
