I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
