hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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