Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize