When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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