I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
