I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
