I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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