i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
