I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
