I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have post one night stand depression
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
