I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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