I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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