sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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