Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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