Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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