she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize