we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
