Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
