Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
