people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
