I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
