Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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