no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
