this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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