so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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